HOW I SURVIVED SELF – HARM AND BIPOLAR DEPRESSION AND MADE IT TO MY 25TH BIRTHDAY

“I feel something’s really wrong with me. I am in pain. Am I ill? What is my illness?” I asked two of my college friends.

“Depression” They answered.

In my mind, I thought like, “Huh? Is depression an illness?”

December 2011. I was in fourth year college then, I was graduating already. It was the first time I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. What is bipolar disorder? According to Google, bipolar disorder is a mental illness marked by alternating periods of elation and depression.

At first, I did not know what was the exact term for my illness but I felt that something is really different; I felt something was wrong with my thoughts, behaviour and everything.

I told myself: “This is not me.”

So I kept on asking and asking my friends and family what was wrong with me. And they kept on saying that I was having a depression.

Depression.

Whoa- It was the first time I heard that word.

I did not really know why these happened to me or how it started. I had this kind of weird feelings of high and lows. It felt like I was a drug addict but it was not. I also became irritable to my family whenever they talked to me. I had been talkative; there are times when my thoughts were racing and my life was such a mess and I have to admit, there were suicidal thoughts.

Those were the times when we had feasibility studies and thesis and I was the leader. My group mates were so supportive and responsible but I was having too much high expectations. I wanted to finish our projects earlier, so I rushed things. I always slept late at night trying hard to finish all things even though I am not used to sleeping late. I even drank energy drinks and too much coffee just to make sure I feel awake and energetic.

As I moved on with my life, I always asked myself why I had this kind of mental disorder. I tried to know what it’s all about to know my way out so I researched about it and kept on asking.

One reason I knew: I was a negative thinker. It was maybe because I was bullied way back in school. I had a hearing loss disease and I started wearing hearing aids when I was in third year high school.

I was a shy and quiet type of student but when it comes to studies, I was serious. I was even part of the top ten in class and sometimes, I also excelled. But I was having inferiorities as I grew older. I felt so different and afar from my class mates so I would cry and felt so down without having definite reasons to say.

April 2012. I graduated from college. I considered it as a great achievement because I was still feeling ill those times. School was over.

But the fight is not yet over, this is just the start of the real thing, the real world.

I had my first job in a Japanese manufacturing company. It was hard to adjust because aside from being a fresh graduate, I wore a pair of hearing aids that made phone calls impossible for me. The management was kind but they had to transfer me in engineering department. There, I started studying the drawings but later on, I resigned. I can still recall when I was transferred, I cried so hard. I felt ashamed that I cried too many those times. I felt that the management sensed already that I had this illness with me, that something was wrong.

After that, I tried working on a logistics company owned by my uncle as this was an appropriate place to me because my works only involved paper works and emails. A year after, I leave the company to help my family in manning our small food business.

It was not easy. I was the cashier, there were times I heard nasty words from detractors and I was being body shamed because I am fat. I was too emotional, and this was hard for me.

December 2014. Another manic and depression attacks happened. I even sent messages to my friends telling I wanted to end my life. I was thinking of what I can do to disappear in this world. So this time, I needed help; I was confined in a psyche ward. I had many medicines. I spent a month on that ward.

I thought I was going to die. The struggle is oh so real. It was like having a war with me. There were times I was talking alone and also to someone I cannot see. Some things like that. My mind was out of nowhere and yes, I was about to be insane but I am very thankful that I did not.

I was calling out names asking for help to rescue me even though they did not know me and they were not around. The psyche ward was a dark room with minimal lights but what surprised me was the lights there reminded me of hope, of a shining light, of God and oh what a relief because it was just the perfect one I needed.

I know there is God but I forgot to connect with Him. I know there He is but I did not call on Him. I did not give Him praise and mostly, I forgot to pray. I just relied on my own capabilities, on my own self. I thought I can do it by my own but no. We need other people who love and care for us to guide us and finally, we need God to lighten our load and to give us ample light to our dark hours.

This is my story. I survived. 

I had celebrated my 25^th birthday with my family and friends last January this year 2017.

This illness taught me a lot about life and as a person. I am forever thankful and happy that I was able to be healed, forgiven and most of all, loved. J

Me and my college friends at my 25th birthday party